It all gets better.

Hello everyone!

I’ve been thinking about some of the other stuff that happenend way back in grammar school and I just noticed, how I evolved and changed throughout time.

In my previous post, I talked about things which annoy me and to be blunt, I was once a person which I absolutely couldn’t bear either. I was insecure and a disaster when it came to makeup.

Honestly, I was a weirdo kid. From the age of 12-16 i was hopeless. Everyone around me seemed to be cool and mature, like going out and drinking and being fashionable. That just wasn’t in for me. First: my parents were and still can be, hella strict. It would be a suicide commando even asking them. Secondly, I didn’t see the appeal of drinking or partying with 15 and I probably made uneccessary comments such as : I don’t think alcohol is cool. Basically, loser was written all across my forehead. I was quiet, shy ( I sometimes had to muster up courage in order to greet people from my class) and I was infatuated with manga, anime. My favorite work assignment was writing stories. I loved playing with words and to write long, elaborate stories with deep characters. It ended up me begging for feedback. And being desperate to read out my story. How did I write? Did you enjoy? Was it ok? What did you like the most? Unfortunately I got labeled as a nerd, for putting too much effort into something, which others found stupid or boring. I only had one friend in class, who talked to me and was the nicest person ever. She didn’t leave me hanging when I was all alone in the 5 minute breaks and would pair up with me in group work. But a part from that, all my other friends were in a different class. I was the awkward one out. And nothing is worse than being invisible  for everyone in class.

As a result of being excluded from the class, plus being paired up with incompetent teachers who were also bullies, my marks plummeted and I had to repeat a year. It was the best thing that ever happenend to me as it gave me a chance to start fresh and find new friends. I had been used to being alone most of the time in school, so I didn’t really shed any tears leaving my horrible class.

Nobody would believe me, if I had told them I was bullied once in my life or had been the shy wallflower back in some period in school. I had to learn the hard way in order to adapt. I learned from my sister how to apply makeup, as she was super interested and talented in that subject. She would show me tutorials, do my makeup when I would go out with 17 and she was my personal fashion/makeup guru. Didn’t change the fact that I slipped into the alternative scene, made a ton of great friends ( such as my best buddy)and tried so hard to be #scenekid.  ( i miserably failed at that-i wasn’t allowed any tattoos or piercings and nearly got kicked out for having my ears gauged-such a rebel.not.)

Juuup, that was an embarassing stage for all of us. And I was simply a late bloomer, because I had finally recieved enough confidence and support from the kids outside my school, that I tried outragous stuff. My sister told me, I was the first and only person ever to have worn a bandana and red lipstick to school.

I made many mistakes in my school days. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell the ones from my class how horrible they were and that they can sincerely go fuck themselves. In my eyes, people who have had the audacity to bully others, are literally scum. What kind of individuals feel pleased when seeing another struggeling to find words to not stand lost and embarrassed in class? Or laugh at her unfashionable clothes and bushy eyebrows? 

Out of all this mess, I stayed true to myself and have nutured a brutally honest attitude. If I don’t like you, I will show you that. If I think you are behaving wrong, I’ll tell you. If I think something doesn’t suit you-rest assured-I’ll tell you. If you do not like my opinion-suck it up, butter cup- I still won’t lie blatantly to your face. If you are a friend, I will love and cherish you from the bottom of my heart , no matter how you look like.( Friendship isn’t based on looks) Plus if you need any help with Makeup or eyebrows, hit me up. I want you to look your best and feel great about yourself too. However, if you are wearing a shade that doesn’t suit you- I’ll lean in and help you with that. I’m not judging you at all, I just do not want you to make the same stupid mistakes I did back then. Being ignored and bullied had a high influence on me, however it made me a stronger and more robust person who isn’t afraid to be honest or saying my opinion.. Even if my opinion can hurt others. ( which isn’t necessarily something good and I really need to work on that) Good vibes come from truly loving yourself and letting people be whatever they want to be and whatever they want to do. I slowly had to realize that simple fact and also how to let go properly. As long as you embrace yourself. you will find the courage to be an astounding individual and most importanly how to accept yourself! I guess we all are just trying to find our perfect place we belong and have to overcome numerous obstacles.

sail strong and much love

Charlie xoxo

How breakups make you grow as a person.

I thought I’d swoop into this topic, as my current series is about breakups and love life in general.

Most people mourn over their broken relationships, which is only natural. It shows how much you had cared for this individual, who you shared a large a mount of time with. Being sad and struggling with the truth of being ‘left behind’, takes it time to overcome. However, the majority fails to see past of all the hurt and to realize that they have learned a big deal out of the relationship. To be honest it took me quite a while to get to this point and I’m eager to help anybody who is still getting swallowed up by post-breakup hurt and confusion.

My first ever boyfriend and long term relationship was with 17 and lasted a little over 2 years. He was my highschool sweetheart and we were pretty in love and seriously committed to eachother. However, our relationship went through numerous bad patches when I was in the middle of my a-levels. I had needed support with applying to different universities and was dead sure that I wanted to leave my hometown for good. My hometown is the most conservative, boring place in the entire world ( that was my perception at the time-emo charlie wasn’t a fan). My boyfriend couldn’t grasp the fact, how excited I was and how desperate I was to try out something new. On the contrary, he moaned and was a real downer when I was discussing uni with him. For side info: he still had one year to go. Basically, my boyfriend wanted me to stay in my hometown and wait for him ( easily said than done). With every scowling and non-supporting act, he became more and more unattractive to me. Eventually we broke up.

Looking back I realize, that I need someone that stands beside me and helps me getting things sorted. Someone who knows, we can handle a long distance relationship and puts enough trust in me.

The second long term relationship I had, lasted a  year and a bit. I was so deeply in love and infatuated with this man, I completely lost my entire identity.Especially my true self  when it came to clothing and music. From hardcore Charlie to whopping hiphop/rnb. ( My liking to Korean Pop stayed though, even throughout these phases) He had led me on for over 6 months and i was trying so hard to please him. To make him want me. So I changed myself for him. When I look back,  I think i should have just walked away after 4 months, when he couldn’t properly reply to my question if we were an official couple. But to be blunt, love makes you blind. In matter of fact, our relationship was extremely toxic and unhealthy. He wouldn’t like the independent choices I made when it came to my outward appearance. We would fight over stupid unreasonable things, which have hurt me very much. Due to the fact, of him being very dominant and shallow, I always felt I wasn’t enough and was incredibly insecure and worried 24/7. ( Which was another factor why my anxiety and panic attacks got real bad.)

I now know: don’t change for anybody. You’ll just get exhausted and tired. I want a partner who loves every single bit of my true self and understands my choices. The piercings, the tattoos and the outrageous hair. If he does, he is one step further in becoming Mr.right.

My last relationship had lasted a good year. My  boyfriend  was rational, direct and caring in his own way. I was happy for good half a year till i noticed that something was off. He wasn’t as affectionate or loving as I wanted him to be. Not so you get it wrong, I’m pretty sure he did but just wasn’t capable of giving me what I needed and wasn’t able to  work as a team. The first rule of having a healthy relationship, is to listen to one another and genuinely care. He didn’t or couldn’t, and it came across as extremely apathetic and cold. Which is totally ok, if you personally can handle it. I however, cannot.

My partner has to shower me with affection and reassurance that he loves me, or I will feel unwanted and insecure with my body and myself.

Just think about all the reasons, why your past relationships didn’t work out. Maybe because your ex wasn’t what you had wanted in the first place but you gave in, due to the naive idea of love? ( which is fine.I do it way too often.I love being IN love, even if it’s not the best idea I have had in decades. )  All of my relationships had happy moments and made me grow as a person. Me getting dumped or breaking up, has shown me what I truly want in a relationship and has opened my eyes for a lot of signs that help me to filter. To avoid awful situations and basically hitting the alarm as soon as I realize that something is wrong. Trust your instincts and don’t sweet talk the situation you are in. Learn and grow from your past mistakes and try to let go. And again, letting go and  making peace with your ex is a whole different story, or in this case chapter on my blog. Stay tuned for more!

Do you think, you’ve gained something from your last relationships?

Chin up and sail strong!

Charlie xoxo

 

 

Tips for self love

Love can suck real hard, and i do not mean the D.

Trust me when I say that time does heal everything. I’ve been there myself and I thought I’d never love again. The shock moment, where the love of my life broke up with me ( over the phone-touché) and the walls came crashing down. As you can see I’m still here and, oh wonder, I feel fine.

1. DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR

I did that the very next day when I realized I would never see him again and went into full rage mode. He had loved long hair and in order to please him, I had let my hair grow long again. The second the hairdresser chopped everything off, I immediately died on the inside. It had taken good two years of my life to get a decent length and had loved how feminine I came across. From over the shoulder to brutally  rocking a Cleopatra asymmetrical bob. It was a great hairstyle. It was different. But that wasn’t the true reason I did it. I didn’t do it because I wanted to or felt overly inspired by short hairstyles. Basically, I wanted to give my ex the finger. A big and loud ‘fuck you.’. Till now I’ve regretted that one decision which I made out of an impulse- a decision that was fueled by the feeling of betrayal and anger. So, if your sweetheart breaks up with you, please give yourself time and do not rush to the hairdressers to make a groundbreaking change. 9 out of 10, you’ll cry after wards. And you’ve been crying a lot anyway.

     2. Treat yo self.When I’m depressed or sad, I end up buying pizza via takeaway or do some online shopping. ( Regardless if I should or should not-bad habit, I srsly DO NOT RECOMMEND). Treat yourself. If your heart is aching, a new handbag or lipstick or whatever YOU are into, can soothe the pain. Plus, you have something to look forward to the next couple of days. Or weeks if you can’t have express shipping. Being happy about receiving gifts (technically they are-from you to yourself), can really take your mind of your ex.

    3. Let all the feelings out.

I had a really hard time in doing so and it nearly tore me completely to pieces. It shredded my heart and my mind. I was trying so hard not to cry and not being sappy, that it just made me feel worse. Friends noticed that I was partying way way way too hard and drinking huge quantities of alcoholic beverages. While I was violently trying to keep up the image of a strong and independent woman, I let myself slip into a much more dangerous zone. The self destructive button had been pressed numerous times. And all those bottled up feelings would literally hurl out of me after a night out drinking. I was the loneliest and saddest person on the entire planet, sobbing over the toilet, saying goodbye to my mascara and to the content of my stomach.  If you feel bad, be honest to yourself and let all the tears and feelings out. Talk to friends and do not force yourself to party or to go out. I promise you, you will heal faster and better.

4. Do not force yourself to have one night stands.

Some peeps just roll that way, they have someone new right after they break up and see it as a way to get their self-esteem back. However- if you just want to have sex because you feel like it, go ahead. But don’t make it dependent on your self worth. The only person that can make you feel loved and appreciated right from the start, is you. Learn to love yourself again and give yourself all the attention you need. Only then can you fully enjoy having sex with someone new.  Learn how to be a confident single lady from time to time. There are tons of reasons why being single is great!

-you have your bed all for yourself,

-you can eat what you want

-you can watch what you want

-you can go out and do what you want.

Tbh i cannot stand women who define themselves through a relationship ( same goes for anybody who does that shit).

If you can’t love yourself, how can anybody else? – ( Amen Rupaul, Amen.)

5. It isn’t just your fault, that the relationship didn’t last.

Another great tip that helped me got over my past relationship. We had our troubles and I won’t go into detail, but I started to think it was my fault it wasn’t working out. Clearly, a relationship consists of flipping two people and both of you have to work together.

And if your partner is not interested in tackling the problems as a team, dump him. He is a waste of your time and obviously that person is not as emotionally involved as you are. We all have our flaws and we all make mistakes, but I’m pretty sure that in a lot of broken relationships, both sides have failed here and there.

My motto is: If it’s meant to be, everything will work itself out.

If it doesn’t -you can say ‘ hey at least I tried, gave it my best shot’. Please, for heavens sake, do not succumb into the dark hole called self pity. The blame is never only on you ( cheating doesn’t count ofc).

Hope these little tips will help you to get over your ex. Chin up and sail strong!

Love,

Charlie xoxo